Back to Reality

I know we have been MIA since before Christmas and it was because it was just easier to hide away and pretend that we were out of the woods, Zac's spinal surgery last spring was the best that could be done and our miracle for Zac was going to happen and everything was going to be wonderful. Zac could heal from his 1st 6 yrs and a family trip to Disney would show him another side of life with a family and the process of getting back to a semi normal life could begin. We could figure out how to adopt a 4th child figure out how to get a bigger family car etc... We had seen the signs of a problem last fall and when we seen Zac's neurosurgeon for his 6 month check up I asked him about it and he said I think this is all behavioral problems and if it will make you feel better I'll send you to a urologist and he will make sure, but I know there is not a problem. So 2 months later we go see this specialist and Zac's ultrasound of his bladder and kidneys were amazing. His ultrasounds before his spinal surgery showed a bladder that wouldn't drain it was stretched and not working right. I was praising GOD that Zac's bladder was healed and just needed the new specialist to say so. Well he wanted more tests and in Jan we were off again to Indy for the excruciating test to check Zac's bladder and kidneys. I was so confident that they would find nothing wrong and finally this whole spinal bifida thing would be over other than his 6 month check ups to make sure he was doing well. They finish the tests and take us to a room to wait for the Dr who was running down in between surgeries. He came in sat down and said well it was just as I thought and started slinging around words like cathetors and surgeries to put in a drain and no worries he is #2 in the nation for this kind of thing and we are at the right place. Zac is watching me closely and it took everything I had in me to stay seated in my chair and not let the tears fall for Zac to see. He was in pain from the procedure and really upset and he didn't need mom to lose it. I couldn't see the Dr thru the tears in my eyes. He gave us a perscription to try to help with Zac's problem and said he'd see us in 6 months to do it all again. So into denial I go. The meds will work and the DR doesn't know anything. My child will be healed and has been through enough. I will gladly and happily exchange my life so he doesn't have to go through any of this. Please Dear GOD do you hear me? Take my life instead of Zac having to struggle and have more surgeries and go through more that takes him further away from being the normal kid he so desperatly wants to be! So back on the back burner this all goes since Zac is young enough we don't have to worry about it for a little while. Then at Disney we start to lose a little more control of our bodily functions. Not enough to really worry over it could have been just one of those things, well it's a bit more than that. Ok no worries we see the Drs again on spring break but he will just say it's behavioral again so maybe if I start to deal with that issue it will go away. Then his meds stop working that had not taken the problem away but did help him a lot. So yesterday we go back and as the Dr is asking me the questions he stops and says what what did the urologist say and what is starting to happen? Well that isn't right maybe we better get another MRI done. Well what about the part of Zac's cord you left tethered could that be the problem? I don't know what you are talking about he says to me. He goes over Zac's chart and says no it's not here. What do you mean it's not there you sat here as I took notes and told my husband and I he was tethered in 2 spots but you don't want to go that high up for risk of complications. Then you blow off these other issues and it never made your notes? Well we will do an MRI of his whole spine and see what is up. Tethered cord is better than what the urologist is saying. Yeah well what if it's too late? How can we put this child through more surgery? How do you look him in the eye and say sorry sweetie they have to go back in? How do you tell your child we hope this time it will take care of all your problems? We've said that before. How do you stand strong for your child when everything in you wants to throw the biggest temper tantrum on the planet! I think of how horrible things would be for him if we had never went to China to adopt him and what would he be going through? How much time would he have had? He gets so mad at me and tells me China would have been better and it rips my heart out! So we go through it all over again and believe GOD that miracle to happen we pray it is the last we have to put Zac Zoe and Zeb through another surgery, we pray it is the last time we have to split up the family and sit alone in the hospital praying GOD will make Zac whole. We pray that this is the last time and we can get back into a semblance of order that I so love. I sit here and ask if I did something wrong the 1st time around that I needed to learn from the 1st set of surgeries? Did I not handle something right and now Zac has to pay so I can learn the lessons? Should I have handled everything differently at the begining? I don't remember much about the last year of our life the 1 thing I do remember is GOD got us through it. I know he will get us through this also. I just pray they figure it out and Zac won't have to go through any more. He wants to be my champion and what he doesn't understand is he already is my champion. He is my superhero!

On to other things, Zoe had her artwork from school displayed at an International art show last month. She was so proud to have her work displayed for all to see. I was surprised when I seen it that it was good she really has a knack for art! While on vacation a letter from school came saying that Zoe had recieved the honor of Life skills leader at school for always doing the right things and being kind to others every day! I am very proud of Zoe. Zeb is starting to take an interest in reading and school stuff. I am enjoying time with him while Zoe and Zac are in school. He is looking forward to joining them next fall if I can get him tested in. Zac starts soccer monday and is so excited. We stopped and got him his cleats ball and shin guards last night on the way home. I can't find soccer socks small enough for him to wear so we'll have to figure that out. Zac is totally in LOVE with his teacher! He's starting to get it at school and read his 1st book to me a few weeks ago. Now if his teacher will teach 1st grade next year we'd know he would continue in his progress.

The kids had a blast at Disney! I was so glad we threw caution to the wind and just took them. GOD knew what we would face when we got home and we now have that memory to look back on. It was so nice to enjoy the kids even the overstimulation and meltdowns are funny to look back on. Yes I was overstimulated and had a few meltdowns but shh. I hope we can take the kids back again while they are still young enough to believe in the magic! Maybe GOD willing with a baby brother or sister when all Zac's medical stuff has settled down and we are back on our feet again. Yes I want another child and no it doesn't take anything away from the 3 we have. It actually is a blessing to all of us to have these children and um yes despite how I feel right now about yet another mountain to climb for Zac I would do it again and adopt yet another child with special needs. Yes it is hard yes it is expensive yes it is scary but this has been the BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO US! Ok now that I have put you all to sleep with this rambling update I will sign off. Please pray for Zac and our family. I will put my big girl pants back on now and get my armour back on and continue the battle for Zac. I know he is something pretty darn special and his testimony is huge and he is a Superstar in GOD's army. We will fight the good fight until it is finished. Blessings and Love to you all!